A Falling Leaf

We most often think of starting as starting something NEW. Turning over a new leaf. And given my topic, turning over a new leaf in the book of life, or research, might seem a propos. But I am not srtarting someting new, rather trying desperately to put life back into something lying dormant. And as I look out my window I see the aumn leaves falling almost as if it were snowing. Big yellow snowflakes one by one by one. Getting through all the old leaves, letting them go, so that the sap can ferment and later rise to push out new life.

I have my proposal half finished, and I need to finish it.

My family has been under considerable strain. Job loss, house selling, moving, new job, brand new lifestyle. The only thing that I can do at this point to help make things better, less stressful for all of us, is to work on and ultimately finish, my dissertation. Finishing my dissertation is the only thing that I can do to create future opportunities for myself. I want desperately to finish. I think that this realization is finally providing the motivation I need to buckle down.

My friend Terri helped me to realize that I have to, and am ready to, take responsibility for my work.
Bill and I agreed that he would come home at 4 on Tues, Wed, and Thurs. so that I could get work done. And he has been, and patiently giving me space. But I have not been sending myself to work. Now I will. Every Tu-Th, no matter how much work acutally happens, I will be here sitting at the computer trying to get the inspiration and motivation to flow, and doing what I can in the mean time. Nothing will ever happen if I am hanging around downstairs. And Nico and Bill will be fine.

And knowing that I will have this work time, I can stop feeling guilty about the rest of the day. When Nico laid down for a nap today, I took one too. Then I awoke feeling rested and ready to work. Or ready to be ready.

Dear Saint Frumentius [Oct 27], you were shipwreked on the shore of a foreign land. And Yet you found a way to work and use your gifts, to spread the Gospel and the Peace of Christ. Guide my thoughts and actions, give me strength. Amen.