Miracle of the Lap

I was eating Cheerios. He is playing. Pushing chairs around. Now picking things up off of the floor and putting them in the trashcan. Things like the Cheerios that he recently and ceremoniously ejected from the table himself. He plays by himself in long stretches but mostly stays within my aura, only wandering a little further away for brief moments, but at those times he bounds back into the room where I am and up into my arms. Wanting a kiss. Then release and off again.

But at some point he climbs up into my lap. Just to sit there, wanting that closeness with Mama.

This is such a special stage of independence. Everyone assumes that independence is all about letting go. But if that were true we would all live isolated and never see anyone else. A hermit, incidentally, does not live in isolation. For a hermit can only be seen as living solitary in relationship to her/his community. Otherwise you are just a nut reputed to live in the desert or forest. No contact.

Closeness is such an important part of independence and of developing healthy relationships with people and God and saints and angels. My son is not sitting here in my arms by default. We are nursing less than ever now. Mostly just after he wakes up from his nap, sometimes also in the morning when he wakes up, sometimes not at all. But his need for love, for closeness, for spiritual sharing through physical touch as not disappeared. Now he chooses. He chooses to be hugged. To try the cereal with milk that I am eating. We share our energy back and forth, loving.

Adults need that closeness, too, and too many of us are out of the habit.
Closeness, physical touch from friends, neighbors, lovers in kindness, creates a spiritual awareness. Give a peaceful handshake instead of a hurried one. Put a hand on a shoulder. Sit close. Draw someone in for a hug or a side-arm embrace. Place a hand on someone's arm, look them in the eye, say Thank-you.

Choose.

Choose to pay attention to the people in your life. Choose to Love.

2009 A New Year!

I never thought I could be so happy, until I held my baby boy in my arms.
I experience that same boundless love just thinking about him. And more importantly, the experience of that love has made me realize that I have really been missing out in the love department. Now that I have felt it, I know that I can have that same love, that same determination for good in many areas. I never thought that I could learn to love myself, but I finally have. I want to keep working on being healthy and happy, on forgiving others and myself, on being truly kind but also assertive.

This past year has been a tough one: difficult birth and recovery, stalled projects, stalled weightloss, deaths, divorce and growing pains in various relationships.
And yet there has been great joy and discovery, and above all great faith. Faith in God, faith in myself, other's faith in me and in their own lives.
But here I am now, feeling blessed and lifted up. Feeling more loved and loving now than ever before, feeling divine empowerment even in the midst of a troubled world and an uncertain future.

My God, my God, you have not forsaken us!

Blessings to all in the new year!

Happy New Year, Y'all!
I am indeed glad that this New Year has begun, but I am also a little fearful. This is the year of my dissertation, after all. It is a huge project. Clearly I need a plan to break it down (Break it down?! This is hand-carved mahogany! -Emperor's New Groove, Kronk). Tomorrow I will do the following for the dissertation:

1. Read the Kleinklausz (sp) book so that it can go back to the library on Monday;
2. Start getting a handle on where I am at with my bibliography and books I have out and files of articles and reading notes, etc.

If DS naptime works out I might also go in the morning to a playgroup, mostly because I could really stand to get out of the house!

Also, I will continue my New Year's Cleaning project around the house.

I am praying for DH while he is in Haiti (10 more days until he arrives home).